The Void

So tonight I was doing dishes after dinner. I decided that we all needed some mellow music to end the evening. My husband and son were cleaning up toys before bedtime. James Taylor was my choice for the back ground. My thoughts drifted to my experience of attending a mama blessing this afternoon. How wonderful it was to experience connection and see the bond between other women and mothers.

An overwhelming sense of sorrow filled me. I had a realization that I have had a void in my life. That void is my lack of a close friend. I have acquaintances. I have a community of mamas. With this, there is still a void in my life. My current close friends live in another state. I’m not really able to see them often enough to fill my soul up.

My last deep and intimate friendship ended just after becoming pregnant with my first child. If I do my math, that was over four years ago. It ended badly in the sense that we were both transitioning into different people. I was pregnant, just. She was moving to another state and needing to make an emotional separation for her own protection. Little did we both know at the time, we were both pregnant and both experiencing huge changes. She has since moved to that other state and had a daughter the day before my own birthday and less than a month after I myself gave birth to my first child. We do not talk, only email each other a couple of times a year. It all seems very impersonal compared to the comfort we once had.

As I was listening to one of the songs on the James Taylor CD, I was remembering our relationship before the falling out.

We were like two sides of a coin, complementing each other in many ways. We also had many aspects alike. I was more wild and intense; she was much more reserved and quiet. We both loved cooking, books, the same movies, childish fits of laughter, sushi, soft sweaters and watching ice skating on television to name just a few. Our friendship became comfortable the first time we met. We realized that we had spent over three hours talking without knowing it. It was like being in a time warp with a person I felt that I’d known forever, but only just met. Ease, acceptance and comfort. We would talk everyday, sometimes many times. We would go grocery shopping together because it was so much more amusing. A movie during the afternoon was a common occurrence. She would always spend Friday evenings with my husband and me while her husband worked the night shift. We took art classes together, watched iron chef, cooked interesting meals, celebrated like rituals together, and always laughed. She was at my handfasting, my marriage, my miscarriage and many days of my life. Our friendship lasted over three years. I though I would know this woman for the rest of my life; that we would always stay connected, even if the connection changed. This was not to be.

Tonight I felt sadness on so many levels; I’m still feeling sadness as I write this. Is this connection ever going to happen again in my life? I love my husband; we are strong and have weathered many difficulties and challenges. In less than two days we will have been together for 8 years. We have two amazing, beautiful and intense children. Our life is good. However, it is still not the connection I feel with a very close female friend. Is my life with kids and a husband too complicated to know that same kind of friendship? I have many things to think on as I "maybe" finally grieve that part of my life. I truly hope that I will someday experience a friendship that can fill the void I currently have.